As a child, I never quite understood the versatility of this particular recipe. However, looking back, it holds the most influential memories of my childhood. My grandmother would often cook up this most wonderful dish on the weekends, and the sheer thought of it would be enough to get me through the week. Thus, I have now chosen to share this recipe with the world, so as to spread the joy and memories of my childhood with all.
However, I must warn any who attempt to cook this pot of memories; this recipe is not for the faint of heart. ‘Why?’, you ask?
Well, let's just say there is a thin line between a genius and a psychopath and in making this dish, you are riding it on a unicycle.
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Ingredients:
1 cup of Camping Humans
50 km car ride
3 tablespoons of Crime
1 teaspoon of Jealousy
2 gms of Hysteria
1 mildly dangerous cliff
300l of fear
2 ounces of cops
1 police helicopter
Procedure:
Step I –
Purchase 3 criminals; typically we do so from elite trios or conspiracy extremists, however; as this recipe is modified to suit the needs for the more economical readers out there, I shall use 3 unemployed men whose ‘elevator does not reach the top’. Another suitable alternative would be psychiatric patients; particularly those who are bipolar or schizophrenic; but that is probably an acquired taste.
These three must be kneaded into falling into the worst of times (if they are not in that state already). Allow them to stew in desperate circumstances for a while, until their despondency finally boils over leading to them hatching a painstakingly intricate plan to conduct a heist on a bank; definitely one they do not have the ability to carry out.
Step II -
While our three criminals continue their honestly hopeless attempt at using the mostly dormant organ contained in their skulls; we shall direct our attention towards our cup full of campers. Please note, while experienced campers are always a good luxury to have, in this particular case I shall be using 3 high-school students who do not really have anything better to do on a Saturday; i.e. they are total dweebs with no social life whatsoever. While these pathetic teenagers sizzle in your frying pan as they trek up the sides of the local mountain in search of a famous cliff that was apparently used in their favourite movie (as I said, dweebs), we shall add our teaspoon of Jealousy in order to spike a minor conflict between them regarding their scores in the most recent assessment.
A sure and easy sign to know when to turn the stove off is when the fight reaches its climax and our dweebs begin to audibly argue, which is often indicated by the rising smoke in your frying pan.
Step III -
Allowing the dweebs to continue their hike in momentary peace, we shall now observe as the three criminals attempt to put their adorably ridiculous plan in motion. This particular step requires a pressure cooker on low heat for a couple minutes, to allow the three to develop the delectable taste of panic. Always remember, for the best results, ensure that you put 2gms of fresh Hysteria into the mixture before placing into the pressure cooker; this will allow the pressure to build up faster. Now, sit back and enjoy the sound of your criminals scrambling to achieve something in their meagre existence.
The first one is the decoy, who has been instructed to disrupt the general working of the bank with petty complaints and what I can only assume is the living manifestation of what youth today describe as ‘Karen Behaviour’. The second, the smartest of them all, is responsible for the actual theft- that is, breaking into not the vault no, but the security room in order to gag the security guard and assume his position to freeze all surveillance. Then, long after most of the commotion has ceased, No. 2 proceeds to break into the vault. The first part of the heist is moderately successful, and the two manage to escape from the building to run towards our third man who is in charge of the getaway car.
This man, quite possibly the most hopeless of the three, is unfortunately the least adept at handling cars; and takes a good 5 minutes to open the door. At this point, the bank becoming aware of the attempted theft; will sound its alarm and the whistle of the cooker should blow shortly after; triggering the escape of the rustbucket of a getaway car our three criminals can afford; leaving behind bellows of smoke as it tears away.
Step IV -
The 3 dweebs who have now cooled down considerably have now come across their supposed-to-be-famous cliff, are now setting up their campsite. Allow them to marinate in their geekiness as they obsess over this cliff for a while; and divert your attention to the criminals who are now 50 kms away from the bank and are still steaming profusely. Transfer them from the road to a haphazard circle of trees in the middle of the woods. Ensure that all 3 depart from the hideout with all the newly acquired money. They shall now move north, towards our innocent teenagers at their cliff. Along the way, the matter of division of the money shall arise; leading to a slightly escalating arguments; whereupon the vessel may begin to sputter a bit and it is advisable to turn the heat down a bit
Step V -
If you have managed to follow along well enough till this point, I commend your skills at cooking and hope they shall suffice for this next step: allowing the criminals to encounter our dweebs to create what is practically a circle of losers. Alongside this, begin cooking your cops in a separate vessel along with the police helicopter. The dweebs (now hostages) and criminals alike may now be doused with 300 ml of fear as the well broiled cops enter the mixture to serve as a taste worthy seasoning.
Sit back and allow the situation to escalate into a steady boil and grate specks of Chaos to your liking. Best served hot but can be paired off wonderfully with a juicy sense of misunderstanding, or even a dash of contemporary romance if it is within the budget. Those however; are Recipes that might just require a bit more experience and I shall thus leave them for another time…
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